In the 25 years that I’ve been interviewing the great, the good and the frankly terrible of cinema, a lot has changed. If you had told me then that one day I would be able to watch an almost unlimited selection of movies, TV dramas and a thousand and one programmes based around differing variations of people baking cakes of one kind or another, all on my mobile phone, then I’m afraid I would have thought you were having some sort of mental or emotional breakdown.
I did actually end up having a mental and emotional breakdown, although that didn’t have anything to do with watching TV on a mobile phone, it actually involved me briefly thinking I was a talking mongoose named Gef.
Anyway, enough of my problems. One company that is largely responsible for the streaming revolution is the entertainment behemoth Notflix. It has almost single-handedly revolutionised the way that we consume media content. But is the result movie heaven? Or is it actually development hell?
I went to LA to meet Senior Deputy Vice-president of Internal and External Acquisition (Los Angeles), Tammy-Lynne Anderson-Planderson-O’Connor.
AC: Tammy-Lynne, it’s a delight to meet you…
TLAPOC: We’re not Netflix, we’re Notflix, I just wanted to make that clear.
AC: OK, I’m happy to make that clear. But actually isn’t that rather confusing? I mean there’s only a one letter difference between you and Netflix?
TLAPOC: There’s only a one letter difference between “clap” and “crap” but I know which one I’d rather have.
AC: Yes, of course but.. Erm, I’m Sorry, can I just check, you do mean clap in the sense of a round of applause don’t you?
TLAPOC: Of course. What other sense of the word is there?
AC: Nothing. I’ve no idea. So you say your name is different to Netflix but surely there has to be more that separates you then that? You surely can’t be saying that your USP is “we’re one letter different”?
TLAPOC: No, of course not. Netflix streams movies and TV shows. We provide a real-time on-demand, highly curated, digital deluge of high-end and low-brow entertainment, fiction and factual, on-demand, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
AC: A streaming service in other words…
TLAPOC: At its heart, yes. But also, no. We see Notflix content as something that integrates seamlessly into the life, indeed into the very DNA of the consumer. We want it to be become an addiction. But not a bad addiction like heroin or crack cocaine but more of a harmless addiction like, er…
AC: Murray Mints? I’m rather partial to Murray Mints.
TAPLOC: Who is Murray Mints? Is he some sort of comedian? Does he have his own show in the UK? Why haven’t I heard of him? Is he the new Ricky Gervais?
AC: No, it’s a boiled sweet.
TAPLOC: I’m not up to date on all the UK slang but I think calling Ricky a boiled sweet sounds pretty disrespectful. He’s a personal friend and neighbour of mine.
AC: I think we’re straying somewhat from the point again. You say you want Notflix to be addictive, is it true that you make extensive use of algorithms devised by the mathematician Alvie Pushkin? (See “It’s in the Maths”)
TAPLOC: Absolutely, his work into using algorithms to distil a movie into pure mathematics was pioneering but for us he went one step further…
AC: Is is true he devised a new set of algorithms that continually drive new content at the consumer? Hooking them in? Making it almost impossible for them to switch off?
TAPLOC: That’s absolutely correct.
AC: Is it also true that his algorithm was so successful that it’s been described as mathematical methamphetamine? Indeed, he was later so concerned about his creation that he disowned it?
TAPLOC: That’s not a description I recognise.
AC: He eventually disappeared didn’t he?
TLAPOC: I believe so.
AC: Some people believe your organisation had something to do with him vanishing.
TAPLOC: That’s ridiculous.
AC: But he just published a peer review study entitled “The Numbers Game: Why Notflix Are Bastards” hadn’t he?
TAPLOC: Look, the idea that we would have him kidnapped in the dead of night, brutally slain and then had his dead body disposed of by locking him in the trunk of a car that mysteriously found itself bursting into flames is total fiction. That would make us sound like some sort of cult who were trying to protect our algorithms at all costs.
AC: But…
TAPLOC: All hail the algorithm. The algorithm must be right. The algorithm must be served.
AC: Erm right, it’s recently emerged that your main competitor wants to acquire Warner Brothers. Surely a merger on that scale must worry you?
TAPLOC: I’m not worried. In fact we’ve just started talks to acquire a range of studios and intellectual properties that will make the Warner Brothers deal look like chicken feed.
AC: I don’t suppose you could drop a few hints could you? I could really do with an exclusive.
TAPLOC: Let’s just say this time next year you’ll be seeing the Teletubbies everywhere!
AC: The Teletubbies? That’s a bit old hat isn’t it?
TAPLOC: As a kids show, yes. But as an adult-focussed underground crime fighting team? Tagline: “They’re here to make toast and kick ass and they’re all out of toast “? I smell primetime Emmys baby!
AC: Finally, what do you say to the charge that far from being its saviour, streaming is killing the film business altogether?
TAPLOC: People can be very rude about us. I’ve heard us being described as vampires draining the industry of life.
AC: Yes, I’ve heard that comparison.
TAPLOC: It’s simply not true. Primarily because we’re much more like zombies.
AC: Zombies?
TAPLOC: Yes, we go round consuming intellectual property like zombies eat the brains of the living. In time, there will be no filthy germ filled cinemas and picture houses, there will only be Notflix and the algorithm. All hail the algorithm. The algorithm must be right. The algorithm must be served.
AC: Tammy-Lynne Anderson-Planderson-O’Conner, thank you for your time.
The first collection of Dr Andrew’s interviews, with the illustrations of Eric DuBois are available to buy in print and digital forms from CarnalCine.ma.
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