Nic remembers this time well. I don’t remember.
It’s not that I can’t remember, I just haven’t.

Nic didn’t let it go, and so it has remained nurtured. When I left, I severed it at the root. That’s what I tended to do then. Not him. Netribution grew out of him, it was his creation, and so new growth continued off the main trunk; it grows still. And now he’s asked me to, to what?

To Commemorate. To Mark the Time, fill the gap in time? To show my respect for you, Nic. Yes, certainly that. But also to see who I was before I ended my involvement in the business, and for some years, our friendship.

Really though, I want to talk to the young man I was from across time. I want to remember. Let’s start at where I met Nic. We were studying film production at Westminster Uni.

Tom. I love you. I remember your urgency, your impatience to Have, and your frustration with how slow it all was. You didn’t want to work unless there were others, to play with, to be with and be accepted by. And yet you didn’t choose to live on campus. You placed yourself off to the side and above (?) them. You didn’t emotionally commit.
I want to make my own choices. There’s a drag to this. I can’t stay motivated. I want to be seen and I want success but it seems like such a long way off. I want to be free. Actually, I’m just lonely. I don’t know where this is going. I don’t know what Nic wants, but he seems to know. He’s smarter than I am. He’s committed. Let’s just fucking do this and see what happens.

Bless you. What are you doing now, much later, at a documentary festival?
Well we’ve been invited as indie press but I don’t have my own words. I can’t describe Netribution. I don’t know this industry. I’m trying to follow the narrative but I’m also only trying to be interested in it. I like film. I love the excitement and the style of all this, this scene. Awards one night and basement talks with drinks the next. I love the lifestyle. The travel. I’m bouncing. I’m flexing Me. I get to be good looking, get to be witty. But I’m seen in a way I don’t recognise. I want to be seen as someone. I want to meet women.

And sometimes I get exposed. Because I genuinely don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m faking it, quite well it seems. I’m on a fucking panel about UK indie film. I have no idea what I’m supposed to say. I’ll borrow. I’ll blag it. I’ll look the part, play the role.

How did you end up here Tom?
I don’t know. It just happened.

How, Tom. How did it happen?
Nic asked me to join him. He seemed to just know and it sounded exciting, so I followed Nic. Uni was slow and I didn’t feel part of the group. I was off to one side; accepted but my peers seemed committed. They knew their stuff. I felt like an amateur, and a bit of a fraud.

Nic’s smart and fair and he’s humble enough for me to respect his way with this. We have rich conversation. I think it’s this that I enjoy most. He speaks beneath the surface of me and I’m curious.

Are you OK sweetheart?
Well, I’m going to see how it goes. It’s fun but I can’t afford to live like this. Maybe I should go work with my brother? He’s earning so well in an A-list restaurant. It’s an ongoing pull. Anyway, there’s a rhythm now.

Tell me about the rhythm, Tom
I interview folk on the indie film scene. I love it. I photograph them and I get to talk to interesting people. I love asking questions. I love being seen in this way. When I’m interviewing, I don’t need to perform. Sometimes it’s a bit intimidating. Sometimes they see I’m not, somehow, worthy of this but most of the time, by the end, they’ve enjoyed it too.

Then I transcribe the interview, develop the photos and design the piece for its Friday publication. This is what I do mainly. Transcribing from a mini cassette player is very long.

That sounds fun. We have AI to do this for us now.
AI like Hal in 2001?

Not quite that advanced but getting there it seems.
Amazing! How long does it take?

Seconds. Haha! It takes you hours! Look. Would you like to ask me a question? I’m so far from you now, but of course, we are the same.

Errm. Do I, do I become responsible, like an adult with a house and a car and all that?

Hah! Sort of. You try but in many ways it’s not for you. At least, not how you are thinking about it.
After Netribution you will go on to work in some amazing restaurants. It’s hard but fun and exciting. It gives you control and stability, because they are  disciplined. You need that. You will start on the fringes, as a restaurant doorman but the lure of what’s inside becomes too much to resist. I won’t give the story away but you become quite successful in this world.

So, to answer your question more kindly, you try to become an adult but you just end up copying what that seems to be.
Will I become a father?

Yes, Tom. We are father to a beautiful son. This changes everything, but your ‘adult’ question requires answers that you cannot yet understand. You see, I’m still learning how.
Can I ask another question?

Shoot.
If this doesn’t last, what’s the point in carrying on?

Good question. What you don’t yet know is that everything you do is an experiment. And more, that everything you do is exactly the way it is meant to be. In fact, I want to tell you some truths, about who you are. Are you OK with that?
Of course, I want to know what to do to get what I want.

OK. Well even knowing what you want requires work, because there is a meaning beneath every want. Sometimes, that makes the thing you want irrelevant. In those cases it’s really just a feeling that you want more of. The thing, or the job, or the woman or the whole package gives you that feeling. I won’t explain more on this now because I know you aren’t ready.
Why? Don’t you think I’m smart enough?

No offence meant. This isn’t easy for me. What I can tell you is this; you want, so you go out and get. You aren’t conscious of this yet. It’s the way you are now and the way it has to be. You aren’t like this later in life.
Fine. Say what you want to say to me.

Thank you, Tom.
One.
The way you ask questions, your decency and curiosity about people, just the way you are with people, beneath wanting something from them, is how you are seen. 
You don’t need to try to be anything more.

Two.
You are naturally wild and free. This journey with Nic is an expression of that. The pull towards a better paid job and the security it offers is both natural and understandable, but the fruits of it are an illusion.

Three
Only do what is in your heart’s desire. If you do something purely for money or the status it brings, the good feelings eventually wear off. You return to sad and confused and frustrated. I know this because I did it again and again.

Four
Write and talk to people. It fulfills you. But there’s a condition:
If you keep Wanting, they sense it and it pushes them away.
Even with women?

Especially with women.
How will they know if I’m attracted to them?

They will know even before you do. Relax. You are a decent, smart, good looking young man. Stop trying.
That’s so easy for you to say!

I know. It’s not fair. I just wish I’d learned this sooner.
Here’s a question that’s been bugging me. Would you describe yourself as a romantic?
Hmm, I suppose, but I don’t like the word. It sounds feeble. Where is this going?

I don’t know. I just remember you as, you know, a dreamer beneath but blustery and a bit crass in public. Perhaps that’s inaccurate. But what stands out is you often trying to show off. Just to be taken seriously. Funny that. You try so hard to be diligent and hard working, to be a good boy, but you are anything but.
What do you mean?

Haha! You have a big ginger beard and shave your head daily. You wear Italian summer suits. You look like a suave pirate. You spontaneously eat at restaurants you cannot afford. I remember you meeting Keeley Naylor for the first time. You persuaded the maitre d’ at Quo Vadis to give you that beautiful, intimate private dining room. You ordered a Negroni and eggs Arnold Bennett before she arrived. Who DOES that in their early twenties?
That sweet boy beneath, that I have become reacquainted with, never got a look in. But this too is unfair. How would you know?
Hahaha! In truth, I have no fucking idea what I’m doing! Where am I supposed to learn how to behave? I guess I’m liked and accepted and I’m having fun. I don’t want to be like anyone else. I don’t follow trends. I always want to try something different. Why the fuck wouldn’t I do those things? Anyway, you make out it wasn’t you.

It wasn’t meant as a judgement.
That’s how it landed. I get this from my brother, that adventurous dreamer thing. If there was a bit more money coming in it would prove I’m fine. I don’t like being worried about and I don’t like being told what to do.

This I know well! What would you do with more money?
Go to more bars and restaurants. Buy nicer clothes, and buy nicer Christmas presents. Date fab women with abandon.

Tell me about your successful older brother.
I love him but he’s always taking care of me. He seems to be miles down the road and considering things I haven’t even thought of. I’m so grateful to him but I’d love to have the freedoms he can afford. I feel like he needs to look after me. It’s a bit of a trap for both of us.

That’s ok. He gets over it. Tell me about Nic.
He challenges me, intellectually, morally. We go on long philosophical discussions, when we should be working. He seems so connected to the industry. He knows what’s happening locally and internationally.

Nic has strong political and ethical beliefs, beliefs that I lack. I just don’t see the world as he does. I suppose that means I’m disinterested, as though it’s all just going on around me. And we talk about food!

The night before he’ll have devised some new concoction of onions, melted cheese and potatoes and revels in the detail of the telling. He likes frying things!

And we talk about women as though we are visitors from Mars. We are both in relationships actually.

I have fond memories of both his and ours. How’s it going with ours?
Oh no! You know what happens! Oh! Is she the.. No. I don’t want to know.

Good for you. I wouldn’t tell you anyway. How do you see her?
Hard working. Smart. Diligent. I envy her that. Ambitious too. And she’s absolutely gorgeous. She wears dresses with nothing else on, or she’ll put something on that she knows will excite me. She walks around barefoot. She excites me, but she’s well grounded. The sex is, every time, like a great battle. It’s just ridiculous.

I remember. The best, as I recall. Is she ‘the One’, Tom?
I don’t know. It’s very passionate and I think we love each other. What is love like at your.., you know, later?

Thank you, Tom. Very tactful.
Love is as sweet and exciting as at your age. But it gets broader; not just for women and family I mean. My love for our son is the deepest feeling I have ever known. It rocked me.
Yes, the need for the love of a woman has lessened, but I still imagine.. No. There’s a lot I can’t say, you know. Let’s get back on topic. How do you see British Indie film?Tough one. It’s seems both a bit hippy and earnest. America has made it an industry. We seem to be approaching it like an offshoot of the NHS. Lottery money has changed things but it still seems like all the cream rises to the top of the system. We are grassroots. I prefer documentary film to be honest.

You guys have made some docs right?
Yes. Really great fun. Not much money in it but they have a definite flavour and I’m proud of what we’ve done.

Another one off topic. What sort of dad will you make?
I have absolutely no idea. I don’t know if you remember this, but I talk in the mirror to my, our, future son. In the bathroom. It’s as though I’m working through something; a shred of truth and I want to tell him. I want to help him not make my mistakes.

I do remember. It’s sweet. I tell this story even today. You know you’ll be a great friend to him right?

It’s as though, too, that I already know him…

That’s right. We loved him before he was born. Isn’t that just magical? What does that say to you about love?
Maybe that’s it’s just, always there?

Something like that.
OK. Be seeing you around, Tom. Time’s up.
No. Wait! I need to know one thing!

Sorry sweetheart. Enjoy the next 25.
I believe in you x